Take My Hand, Lord!!

Is it a heart issue or a money issue?

When hard times come...It seems like the frist thing that pops into your mind is, "I NEED MONEY TO DO THIS or TO GET ME OUT OF THIS."  Which in part is true.  Money could get you out of many situations and possibly make your life easier.  However, what IF you could look at your situation in a different light?  What if this place is where God wants you.  What if you are right where God wants you and He has something to teach you. 

I can testify that times are rough.  I do not have a job...I have been looking for over 5 months for a job.  And as I see the Bill pill up and the lack of money to pay the bills...I wonder why this is happening.  I have hard times trying to trust in something I can not see.  To trust that God has my best in mind even when the physical world screams otherwise.  Sometimes it is so hard to ignore the world around.  God is saying one thing but the physical world is saying another.  The world tells me...God is not providing for you.  If he was the great provider then you would not be in debt like you are...God would have given you money or at least a JOB that will pay the bills.  You have a hands off God.  I am bumbareded by all these messages daily.  But, I find peace when I remember...the world is temporal and the Spiritual realm is everlasting.  So, to some degree the Spiritual Realm is more real the then Physical realm.

 Why does Jesus go through the Beatitudes?  Matt 5

• 3. "Blessed are the poor in spirit, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.

• 4.
• Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted.

• 5.
• Blessed are the meek, for they will inherit the earth.

• 6.
• Blessed are those who hunger and thirst for righteousness, for they will be filled.

• 7.
• Blessed are the merciful, for they will be shown mercy.

• 8.
• Blessed are the pure in heart, for they will see God.

• 9.
• Blessed are the peacemakers, for they will be called sons of God.

• 10.
• Blessed are those who are persecuted because of righteousness, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.

• 11.
• "Blessed are you when people insult you, persecute you and falsely say all kinds of evil against you because of me.

• 12.
• Rejoice and be glad, because great is your reward in heaven, for in the same way they persecuted the prophets who were before you.

I think going through this hard time...Im seeing the spiritual realm clearer.  I think God is growing me in ways that I could not grow without these hard times.  I am learning hard lessons.  I would like to see what God sees.  How can this situations be turned for HIS glory?  How can I bless HIM in this mist of these hard times. 

What is going on in the Spiritual Realm?

I have pictures in my head about the Spiritual Realm...and by no means am I saying this is God's Truth or how it really is.  But I see a battle going on around me and within me.  It is a daily battle.  There are demons around me.  They follow me.  At times they whisper doubt.  They make the burden seem to great.  They laugh at my sadness and doubt.  They keep coming at me.  They wont stop.  Then on the other hand,  There is this protection around me...God telling me that there is hope when I can not see.  God has something in store for me.  Trust in the unseen God and trust in His plans for you.  God says His yoke is light...why do i carry such a heavy burden?   God is the God of mericals.  Then I picture myself safe in His plan...In His shadow.  The demons still whisper...but I choose not to listen.  God's voice is not loud but I listen and trust.  God reminds me of His goodness.  This is a battle I face every day.  Some days I am defeated...Telling God, "HELP! I can not handle this any more! You have to show up!!!"  But, then I find out I dont die from the burden...I am still alive! I guess it is not to much.  And I get God's peace.  I think, "Hey! I guess you are stronger then you thought you were...through God's help." I wonder how many angels are around fighting an unseen battle?  All is unseen...but I feel the effects. 

Well...Lord! you are in control of all things! You are LORD and GOD of all creation.  This life of mine is Yours.  Thank you for growing me...even though it is painful.  Thank you for growing my trust in you.  Thank you for taking care of me.  Thank you for providing.  Thank you LORD! I do love you.  AMEN!  

Been thinking....mind is racing

No matter what happens in life...God is in control.  We must rely on Him no matter what. 

TO MY BELOVED:
God has us in HIS hands.  We are safe there.  There will be hard times and their will be easy times.  No matter what happens in life we must come together and go before God.  I want to stand by your side in the hard and easy times.  I trust that God has something for us...we just have to get through this hard time.  God is our provider.  The world is full of uncertainties, but we can always TRUST GOD. I love you very much, and i cant imagine my life without you. I trust that we are better together then we are apart.  God knows the plans he has for us...plans to prosper us not to harm us.  Our future goals are the same...and i want to help you be everything God wants you to be. You are such an awesome man...and I am blessed to have you in my life.

LOVE YOU TONS!!!!!!!!!

God...be in our situation...find us a job...find us an apartment...and may we be debt free.  Bless our union...as we come together in marriage.  Thank you Lord for loving us and taking care of us.  Please guide us as to what we should be doing.  Bless our loved ones as they will face changes when we marry.  Be with them.  THANK YOU LORD!!! I LOVE YOU LORD!!! Thank you for saving us.  Thank you for taking care of us. AMEN!!

I just had a job interview and my mind is racing.  Ive been thinking of the things sad or what should have been sad.  I also wish I could remember the whole thing...but because of anxiety I dont remember everything said. 

I felt like getting on my keens and begging them for a job.  I need this job so badly.  *SIGH* 

God...You are our provider...you know our needs...GOD!!!!!!!!!!! PLEASEEEEEEEE GIVE ME THIS JOB!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! God...Give us a job that we can provide a life.  That we will have a home, that we will finally be together.  God, please help us find a job! This burden is to heavy...take it away. AMEN!!

We have a good God no matter what happens in life! He loves us and will walk us through everything. THANK you GOD!

 

i dont know what to do... I should have an apartment lined up...I should have a job...I should have money to be able to pay for these things...In a months time there is no way to get money to do these things...what are we going to do? Im worried...

sad

I just kinda having a hard day.

I thought months ago I would have a job by now.  I have prayed and trusted.  But, it seems like the humanly/physical reality gets the best of us some times.  I just dont know what God is doing...I thought I would have a job by now.  I go over my bills and the numbers just dont add up.  I do not know how we are going to have money to move into an apartment, money for furniture, money for basic living.  The wedding is costing more then I thought it would.  I just thought I would have a job by now.  I have no idea how we are going to make ends meet. 

So, I had myself a good cry.  And now I sit back and trust God.  There is nothing else I can do but to trust HIM. He is our provider.  I do not know how things are going to work themselves out.  But, I TRUST HIM!  All I can do is apply for jobs, fall on my knees and ask for God to have favor. 

Lord, provide for us.  Grant me a job. God, all I can do is apply for them...I need you to open the doors for employment.  I have learned to trust you more then I have ever.  I am sorry for my doubt.  Thank you for building in me a trust that can not be taken...it is more precious then gold.  I trust that you have the best for us.  God grow me more into the woman you want me to be.  God, I do not know what we are going to do...but I do ask you to give us guidance and show us where you want us.  Thank you Lord for being such a loving God.  Amen.  

I CAN NOT WAIT TO GET MARRIED!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


I am so ready to be his wife... I am very excited about the up and coming wedding... I know it is the will of God!  We go together so well.  Our life goals are the same, our beliefs are the same, we are best friends, I get him and he understands me (most of the time  ).  I love how smart he is.  I cant wait to see what God is going to do in and through our lives together.  Im excited about fulfilling God's will together with my Beloved.

There are so many things to do...
First I need to find a job!!!
Then we need to find a place that we will move in together after the wedding. 
Move
Finish wedding plans. 

What an adventure we are about to go on.

60 days until the wedding...One day as a bride....and a life time of being his wife

I wanted to make a new post but wasnt sure what to say.  Not sure if anyone will read this...but that is okay. 

*God is good!!! He is our provider!!!

*boiled eggs stink.

*Im excited about getting married in 70 days.

*Worried about the "what ifs" in life.

*I wonder what I would look like if i bleached my hair blonde

*What about black?

*He loves my eyes, smile, and He loves ME!

*I like holding hands.

* I wonder if I should get my credential to become a teacher.

*Should go work out! IM GETTING MARRIED!

*I love the engagement ring he got me. I cant stop looking at it STILL!

* I wonder if I will ever be a mother? I think I would make a good mom.

*I wonder what God is going to do for the ministry I run at church?

*I LOVE MY BELOVED!! He is the only man for me.

*I need to go to the dentist

*I want a HUG from GOD

*Can this world ever become a one income households.

*I like to smile and laugh.

*Bloging is funny

*I want God to use me in whatever way HE wills :-)

*I will be a good wife and He will be a good husband

*GOD IS GOOD!!!! 

My sister just broke up with her boyfriend of 5 years.  I feel so bad for her.  She is taking it hard; yet at the same time she is happy that it is over.  She has been talking about it...which is good.  However, at the same time I feel like I can't talk about my up and coming wedding.  I wanted her to be a part of it...but right now she just cant.  I feel like i have to hide my excitement and details of my wedding.  Plus, it is hard to comfort her...what do you say to someone who has just lost her best friend?  I am kinda happy that she broke up with him too.  He was not good for her. He was taking her away from God, her family, and her friends.  Right now, Im praying that she will come back to God.  I was talking to her about God today and she seemed like she misses God.  I hope she comes back to God!!!!

Lord God, comfort my sister as she walks away from this relationship.  Draw her back to you.  Open her eyes to see a new hope in You.  Heal her heart from the brokenness.  Give me, my mom and dad words to say to her to encourage her in your ways.  Help her see the good in breaking up with him.  Also, show her who she is in you; show her, her worth; show her, your love.  Be with her and be her comforter.  AMEN!

Cherish those times he is sitting next to you and just stares at you.
Remember the times he tells you he loves you.
Allow him to wrap his arms around you and hold you close. 

Don't push him away because of your own insecurities.
Don't hush his lips because of your questions.
Don't cover his eyes because of your anxiety.

Enjoy those moments with him.
Because one day he may stop.
Than you will feel more doubtful than ever.

So hold on to those moments he is showing his love over you.

In honor of the 44th President of the United States, Baskin-Robbins Ice Cream has introduced a new flavor: "Barocky Road."

It is a blend of half vanilla, half chocolate, and surrounded by nuts and flakes. 

The vanilla portion of the mix is not openly advertised and usually denied as an ingredient.

The nuts and flakes are all very bitter and hard to swallow. The cost is $100.00 per scoop.

When purchased it will be presented to you in a large beautiful cone, but then the ice cream is taken away and given to the person in line behind you. 

You are left with an empty wallet and no change, holding an empty cone with no hope of getting any ice cream.

Are you stimulated?

Metaphor for my life...

I am a woman in a room.  On these walls there are pictures of my life.  These pictures bring me a joy.  Within this room there are many doors, so many doors there is not space for one more door.  Each door leads to a path that I will be very successful in.  However, not one door leads to happiness. 

Analyzing the metaphor...
 
Being in this room brings me joy because I can look at the pictures of my past.  What all these pictures have in common are people I love.  It is the relationships I have had with my family, my boyfriend, and friends that bring me so much joy.  I look at my past and I feel satisfaction of a job well done; I have no past regrets.  I feel like in the past I have never lost sight of how important people are. 

Then, I look at the doors within this room.  I know that whatever door I walk through I will be a success in.  It seems like everything I have ever touched, God has blessed.  In the business world, I am and will be a success.  These doors lead to possible careers, living situations, and different kinds of people in my life.  Even with such confidence, I find myself tormented with anxiety to choose which door to pick.  I feel like any of the doors will be pleasing to God, thus, I feel like God has allowed me to pick which door to open.  I asked myself, what about these doors bring me anxiety?  When I get down to the core of this anxiety, I find it being because of relationships I'm in.  All doors require me to give up people(s) I love.  But, no matter how hard I inspect each door, none of them lead to all of my IMPORTANT relationships intact.  I find myself paralyzed at not being able to choose a door.  I can't see myself living a life without these IMPORTANT relationships.

So, for as long as I possibility can I want to stay in this room and look at all the wonderful pictures of the people I love and remember the beautiful memories we have created. 

I feel like, if I choose, a part of who I am dies.

When is it okay and not okay to hang out with the opposite sex?

It is okay to hang out with the opposite sex when you are single and you hang out in groups.  Each person is responsible for their own behavior...meaning one must not flirt with words or body language with others in the group; each person should be respectful to others.  In do this, each can get to know each other in an honoring way and if interest arises then the guy must go to the girl's father and state his intentions.  If the girl is interested she must go to God and be held accountable...and refer the guy to her father.  Each must guard their hearts.

When two enter into a relationship (courtship) they must reset their boundaries with the opposite sex.  This means that he/she should not spend alone time with another woman/man.  He/she should not make themselves available to the opposite sex for alone time.  If this is done they are dishonoring their partner in their actions.  In the beginning it may seem innocent, however, they are walking a dangerous path, they are opening the door for a possible emotional and later physical affair.  Affairs do not happen over night...slow steps lead to sin.  Spending time with the opposite sex may be seen as a "date" and should be avoided at all costs.

What happens when one does not want to reset their boundaries with the opposite sex?  This is a good way of knowing if this person you are in a relationship with is ready for marriage.  If they are not willing to set strong boundaries to protect the relationship then they are not serious about the relationship. 

What about exceptions?  I am sure there will be a time or 2 that a man or woman will be stuck with the opposite sex.  When this happens one should always try to get out of spending alone time by inviting someone else to come along or canceling the event.  Furthermore, they should tell their partner (in detail) what happened, so there is no secrets and they are being held accountable.  If alone with the opposite sex, keep in mind your actions and thoughts and make sure the are honoring to your partner.  If the man/woman is not honoring your relationship with your partner then you must confront them about their actions. 

Should one hang out with singles of the opposite sex in groups, if they are in a relationship?  I believe one should not hang out with singles of the opposite sex.  If one is hanging out with someone who is single then their partner should know this person and be in a friendship with them.  It is important that both come into agreement of who they can hang out with and who they shouldn't hang out with. 

Trust is easily broken and hard to gain back.

What are your thoughts on this?  Have you had an experience dealing with this in your relationship, if so please share.  God Bless...

YAYYYY!!!! I passed my test!!! Praise God!!!!!

Now I get to graduate!!! :o)

I am sooo tired now...My body is crashing from the abuse I've put it through over the last 4 months!!!! I've limited my sleep, bad eating, no exercise, extreme levels of stress: I think I got an ulcer ...I think my brain is dead.  *SIGH of relief*  This was a very hard semester!!!! I am soo happy it is over!!!!

Thanks for everyone's prayers!!! :o) Now I get to heal!!

~Amanda~

Tomorrow (Tuesday at 4pm) I am going to take my Oral Comprehensive Exam to graduate with my Masters Degree (Test covers everything I've learned in the past 2 years).  This is a very important test: if it is not passed then one can retake it once; and if not passed then then they do not get to graduate.  I have been studying for 4 months.  So, I ask for your prayers...that everything I have studied will come to mind when needed and that I will not have anxiety. 

Funny how little things like this is important to God too.  We have a great God!!!

Lord God,
Open up my mind while I review everything I have studied for the last 4 months.  Take away my anxiety.  May I glorify you in everything I do.  Thank You Lord for being such an awesome God and helping me through everything.  You are an awesome God.  I love you Lord.  Come and guide my every step.  Be with my friends as they take their test too.  Thank you Lord!!! Thank You!!! AMEN!!!

A worried woman went to her gynecologist and said 'Doctor, I have a       
serious problem and desperately need your help! My baby is not even 1     
yr. old and I'm pregnant again. I don't want kids so close together.'     
                                                                           
So the doctor said: 'Ok, and what do you want me to do?'                  
                                                                           
She said 'I want you to end my pregnancy, and I'm counting on your help   
with this.'                                                               
                                                                           
The doctor thought for a little, and after some silence he said to the    
lady 'I think I have a better solution for your problem. It's less        
dangerous for you too.'                                                   
                                                                           
She smiled, thinking that the doctor was going to accept her request.     
                                                                           
Then he continued 'You see, in order for you not to have to take care of  
2 babies at the same time, let's kill the one in your arms.  This way,    
you could rest some before the other one is born.  I f we're going to     
kill one of them, it doesn't matter which one it is.  There would be no   
risk for your body if you chose the one in your arms.                     
                                                                           
The lady was horrified and said 'No doctor!  How terrible!  It's a crime  
to kill a child!                                                          
                                                                           
'I agree', the doctor replied.  'But you seemed to be ok with it, so I    
thought maybe that was the best solution.

When are two officially married?

Are they married when they say, "I do" before God, family, and friends?  They are entering in a marriage covenant with their words.

OR...

Are they considered married only when they have consummated the marriage? 


If the latter is true, would the couple be considered married if a horrible accident happened before they were able to consummate the marriage?  Or, if they have not consummated the marriage are they both free to walk away from the marriage? 

And, if the latter is true...could it mean that 2 can be married without saying the vows before God and man?  What if they just had sex...would that mean they are married? 

Personally, I believe marriage happens when two say their vows before God and man.  The covenant takes place once the words are said.  I'm going to have to do further study on this topic when I have time.  Just some thoughts running through my mind. :o)

His father, who had been deeply loved and mightily used would be sorely missed. One of the greatest men in all of history, his father was a man who, in addition to being able to leap over walls physically, was so gifted musically that he not only composed songs, but he invented the instruments to play them. So courageous of heart was he that when he was but a teenager, he conquered a giant in battle, making him so popular that women sang songs about him in the streets. This one’s father, of course, was David.

And now that David had passed from the scene, Solomon would step up and try to fill his father’s shoes—a seemingly impossible task. After learning of his father’s death, Scripture tells us that Solomon headed for Gibeon, for in Gibeon was a tabernacle, a place to meet God. That night, the Lord appeared to Solomon in a dream, saying, “Whatever you ask of Me, I’ll do for you” (see 2 Chronicles 1:7).

“Lord,” said Solomon, “I ask of You wisdom. I need to know how to go out and come in amongst these, Your people.”

By God’s grace, this young man, who had tremendous responsibility suddenly placed upon him and very difficult obligations looming before him, was given the wisdom to ask for wisdom.

So pleased was God with Solomon’s request that He said, “I will not only grant you wisdom greater than any other man—but I will give to you more wealth and fame than any other person has ever enjoyed, victory over your enemies, and length of days” (see 2 Chronicles 1:11, 12). In other words, by asking for wisdom, Solomon got everything else thrown in.

Personified as a woman, wisdom says this:

I love them that love me; and those that seek me early shall find me. Riches and honour are with me; yea, durable riches and righteousness. My fruit is better than gold, yea, than fine gold; and my revenue than choice silver. I lead in the way of righteousness, in the midst of the paths of judgment: That I may cause those that love me to inherit substance; and I will fill their treasures.     Proverbs 8:17–21

Wisdom cries out to simple men—dumb, unsophisticated, naive, common people like you and me, saying, “If you walk with me, I will cause you to have riches and success in all that you do” (see Proverbs 8:5).

How do we get wisdom? The text before us says if any man lacks wisdom, let him ask of God who gives to all men generously. What does it mean to ask of Him?

In Solomon’s day, in Old Testament times, if someone needed wisdom, for example concerning who to marry, where to move, what job to take, he would go to Jerusalem where he would find the high priest. As part of his vesture, the high priest wore a pouchlike breastplate upon which were twelve gems, each representing one of the tribes of Israel. It seems that these gems were instrumental in the dispensing of wisdom. You see, according to Exodus 28:30, if one had need of wisdom or direction personally, or if the people had need corporately, the high priest would consult the Urim and the Thummim. Although we can’t say dogmatically what the Urim and the Thummim were, we do know what the words mean: “urim” means “light”; “thummim” means “perfection”—perfect light to give direction.

How did they work?

It would seem as though the stones on the breastplate of the high priest that were linked to the Urim and the Thummim would light up in such a way that, using the letter of the tribe each represented, an answer would be spelled out. The problem was that, with only the high priest having the Urim and the Thummim, anyone having a question would have to travel all the way to Jerusalem and make an appointment with him to get an answer. Getting wisdom was not an easy thing to do!

There’s an infinitely better way for you and me to get light and perfection, for Jesus said, “I am the Light of the world” (John 8:12); and Paul said in Him are hidden all the treasures of wisdom and knowledge (Colossians 2:3). Thus, Jesus fulfills the Urim and Thummim perfectly. We go to the One who is Light personified, who is Wisdom incarnate, and say, “Lord, what should I do in this situation?”


How does He answer? I suggest three ways.…

Through His People

It was God’s people—the twelve tribes of Israel—who symbolically flashed the message on the breastplate of the high priest. So, too, Scripture says God’s people are jewels in His crown (Zechariah 9:16). You may not feel like a gem; you may not think the person sitting next to you is of very much value—but on the heart of our High Priest, Jesus Christ, we are just that.

Where no counsel is, the people fall: but in the multitude of counsellers there is safety.     Proverbs 11:14

Where there is no counsel, people fall—or literally, stumble—in the dark. But as I talk with my brothers, as I share with God’s people, the light shines through them in the counsel they give to me.

Through His Word

Thy word is a lamp unto my feet, and a light unto my path. The entrance of thy words giveth light; it giveth understanding unto the simple.     Psalm 119:105, 130

I can’t tell you how many times when, wondering what I should do or which way I should go, I’ll hear someone share from the Word on the radio, and it speaks directly to my situation. Or I’ll open the Scriptures, a commentary, or a devotional book and find the Word of God giving perfect light to me.


Upon Our Hearts

But this shall be the covenant that I will make with the house of Israel; After those days, saith the LORD, I will put my law in their inward parts, and write it in their hearts; and will be their God, and they shall be my people.     Jeremiah 31:33

Paul picks up this same idea when he says, “Let the peace of Christ rule in your heart” (Colossians 3:15). The word translated “rule” is an interesting one. A term linked to sports, it was used with regard to officiating or umpiring. In other words, the peace of Christ will call “Safe!” or “Out!” in your heart, giving you light and direction.

I find that these three avenues work together very harmoniously: Through God’s people there is safety. In God’s Word there is light. Upon my heart, He’ll write His will. So I can know whether I should make that move or take that job by simply asking the Lord, knowing He’ll make His will known to me through His people, in the Word, or upon my heart if I ask in faith.

What does it mean to ask in faith?

The integrity of the upright shall guide them…     Proverbs 11:3

The Hebrew word translated “integrity” is tummah—from the same word as thummim. In other words, direction and integrity are linked together. What does the word “integrity” mean? It means “integrated” or “single.” Thus, the single-minded man of integrity says, “Father, I’m not asking for wisdom out of curiosity. I’m committed to doing what You tell me.”

Anyone who’s not sure if he’s really going to follow through is double-minded and should not expect to receive direction from the Lord. But to the man who asks in integrity, the man who is single in purpose and heart, God will give wisdom generously.

“But what if I misinterpret His will on my heart, through His people, or in the Word?” you ask.

I believe the answer lies in Genesis 20—where we see the first mention of integrity in the Bible.

Eager to become acquainted with the newest acquisition to his harem, Abimelech looked forward to meeting Sarah—until God appeared to him in a dream, saying, “The woman you’ve taken is another man’s wife.”

“In the integrity of my heart I have done this,” Abimelech answered.

“Yea, I know thou didst this in the integrity of thy heart, for I also withheld thee from sinning against Me. Therefore I allowed thee not to touch her,” the Lord replied.

What’s being said here is wonderful, for God is saying, “Abimelech, you made a mistake. But your heart was right, so I protected you in the decision you made.”

This means that when I ask God to give me wisdom, He gives me direction through His people, in His Word, and upon my heart. But even if I don’t hear correctly and make a wrong decision, if my heart is right, the Lord will protect me and correct me just as He did Abimelech.

So many people never move out because of the paralysis of analysis. That is, they’re always analyzing a situation to determine what they should do. The Genesis 20 account frees us from this, for if our hearts are right, we can move ahead, knowing that He will protect us even if we’re moving in the wrong direction.

Dear saint, as you pray today, I encourage you to do what you know, and you’ll know what to do. You know that you should be in fellowship Sunday morning, studying the Word with your brothers and sisters. I don’t know what I’m to do tomorrow. I don’t know what’s ahead for me next month or next year. I simply know what I’m supposed to do today. So I do what I know today, and when tomorrow comes, I’ll know what to do then. You will too.

If you lack wisdom, ask of God. And if you do that in faith, you’ll be doing what you know. Then through His people, through His Word, and through His will upon your heart, you’ll know what to do as you walk in the Light of the Perfect One, Jesus Christ.

1Courson, Jon: Jon Courson's Application Commentary. Nashville, TN : Thomas Nelson, 2003, S. 1520

Lately, Ive been feeling overwhelmed with homework.  This is the hardest semester of my whole college career.  If I do not pass this exiting exam, I do not get my masters degree.  It is kinda scary to know that all these years of schooling does not mean anything if I cant pass this exiting exam.  I am just praying that God will get me through to mid-May.  I have huge papers due and many tests on top of the exiting exam.  I need God to help me through it.  After May I AM FREE from the stressers of school!!! I can not wait!!!! But, then I need to find a job in this horrible economy.

Lord God, You know how hard it has been for me lately.  And, I want to thank you for meeting me where I am.  Being with you Lord, is a beautiful place to be no matter what is going on around me.  I know you are a big God...You are MUCH BIGGER then any problem or stress I face.  Thank you God for helping me.  I ask that you would continue to help me renew my mind in You daily and stay focused on the tasks before me.  And, thank you for the beautiful day it is today...The sun is shinning and the birds are chirping outside my window.  I love these days!!! The Sun is out and shinning bright!!!! FEELS GOOD!!!  I love you God! You are such an awesome God!!! Thank you for being my Lord and Savor!!! I am a blessed woman. AMEN!!!

Life is hard.
Full of disappointments.
*Sigh*
I figure it is best not to set expectations then to be disappointed.
I've sacrificed so much to have a better future...
    But when the future comes, it is not what I thought it would be.
Perhaps, at times, it may even be better not to allow myself to feel.
 

Lately, friends have been confessing to me about their involvement in adultery.  The women I know who have stepped into someone else marriage and those who have stepped out of their own...it has amazed me to find out how easy it was for them to commit the act.  This goes for the saved and unsaved alike.  I am shocked when I heard of these things.  I do not know why they felt like they should confess to me, but they did.  Thankfully, God gave me the words to say to point them to His heart for healing.  I hated to see how much this has hurt everyone involved.  SIN REALLY KILLS AND DESTROYS SO MANY GOOD THINGS GOD HAS SET UP.  After talking to them, I just want to pray off all the junk I heard. 

What can be learned form this is: Stay connected with your spouse!!! Have open lines of communication.  Do not deny your spouse the intimacy he/she needs.  This intimacy includes, sex, communication, spending time together, making new memories together, and so on.  Make sure you know your spouse's friends...they should not be hanging out with their friends at all hours of the night! Not Good!!  Be a team and supporter to one another.  Help each other in any way possible to become a better person.  Connect Spiritually; point the other to God, pray together, come together before God together.  LOVE and RESPECT each other.  YOU must always be on your toes...never think that you are above an affair (SIN).  No one is above sin...that is why you must not put yourself in compromising situations.  Always stay connected to God.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Adultery is defined as a man or a woman having sex with someone other than their spouse. Biblical scholars also consider any form of premarital sex adultery. According to US laws in most states, a sex act can only be classified as adultery if both parties consent and penetration occurs. In the past only a woman could legally commit adultery. However, states that still consider adultery a crime will convict men of the same offense. Some states even charge the unmarried partner of a married man or woman with adultery.

However adultery is defined, legally or religiously, most married couples have their own ideas about it. For example, many would consider any act of intimacy, including kissing or inappropriate emotional closeness, a form of adultery. Considering that approximately 45 percent of women and 55 percent of men admit to having some form of an affair---whether emotional or physical---adultery is a significant problem in many marriages. Healing from adultery can be a complicated and sometimes impossible task for any married couple.

The spouse who is cheated on loses trust in his partner. He may also have lowered self-esteem and may begin to wonder what the other man has that he doesn't. He may feel embarrassed to tell others, even if it means he doesn't have emotional support throughout the healing process. The cheater may feel intense pressure to make up for his mistake if he wants to make the marriage work. Anger can also have an impact on either spouse.

Once the act is discovered, it's time to make some decisions. First, you must decide whether you can stay in the marriage. Assuming that you can, it's time to begin the healing process. The first step is to determine what caused the adultery in the first place. This may include a number of reasons, but it's important to recognize that adultery is a choice that the spouse made. Blaming the other spouse for one's own infidelity is a sure ticket to divorce. Instead, recognize that the mistake was made by the cheating spouse and allow her/him to take responsibility for her/his actions. The cheating spouse must show genuine remorse for her/his actions and make every effort to apologize and redeem herself/himself.

As the couple heals from adultery there will be discussion about the affair itself, but it's important to also talk about the couple's future together. It's a good idea to consider marriage counseling . Preventing future episodes of adultery should be next on the menu. The best prevention is communication and genuine affection between spouses. Remembering why you fell in love in the first place and treating one another as valued friends and lovers is a great place to start. Avoid behaving like a single person (i.e. going to bars with single friends, etc) and remember that honesty is paramount in any marriage. From: http://www.ehow.com/about_4572087_adultery-recovery.html

I found these journal entries online...This is from two women whose husbands who are struggling with porn addiction.  I find it heart breaking to see the toll of what SIN does in people lives.  If you, or someone you know is struggling in this area. Or, if you are a spouse or girlfriend of someone who is struggling in this area. Here are some resources

http://www.porn-free.org/
http://www.everymansbattle.com/
http://www.pureintimacy.org/
http://www.loveinaction.org/
http://www.settingcaptivesfree.com/home/our_courses.php
http://xxxchurch.com/
http://www.pureonline.com/

Journal Entry:

The other night Bill confessed, yet again, that he has been viewing porn.  I think he confesses so that he can be forgiven of the guilt he feels.  I wonder if he really gets the pain I feel when I find out.  Some times he confesses, other times I ask cause I could tell his behavior is different, and every once in a great while I catch him.  I go thought a whole array of feelings.  Last night, I was numb.  Because it just seems like it is a part of life now.  Then I feel sorry for him, because I see his guilt and how much it hurts him.  So, we spend time talking about how much it is hurting him.  I feel so bad for him.  But in all honesty, I do not think he understands how much it hurts me and what it is doing to me and our relationship.

I feel unloved because someone who loves you would not hurt you so badly.  If he cared and loved me he would stop.  I feel so ugly, because I am not those women.  I feel like I do not satisfy him and he needs to go somewhere else.  I feel like when he looks at me, he wishes I was one of those other girls.  I wonder when he looks at women around him if he desire is for them.  It hurts me to think that when we are intimate he is thinking of other women. 

I use to be able to trust him. Now, I can not trust him with my heart.  I worry about him watching porn every time he is online.  I worry about letting him stay up later then me, taking a shower, going to work, going out with friends and family, I know he takes those times to jump online for porn. I feel like I have to check up on him all the time. 

I have started to entertain ideas of divorce.   I feel like it has crumbled our intimacy.  How can I stay married to a man that hurts me so much. He is about to lose me and he doesn't know it.  I still love him; that is why it hurts me so much.  I feel hopeless.  This has been going on for 5 years now.

And I hate what it has made me become!!! He is not the man I married.

Hurting Wife (maybe not much longer)

Journal Entry:

We’ve just had yet another argument over his use of porn, and I don’t know what to do. I feel like I’m going insane with so many conflicting thoughts and emotions inside my head: anger, betrayal, love, compassion, self-loathing, fear, misery… will I lose my mind first, or my relationship? Why am I not good enough for him? How do I get him to hear me? How can he keep betraying me and not caring?

I’ve tried to tell him so many times how I feel about it, hoping he might do something to change. How many arguments have we had about this? I’ve lost count. I’ve cried more tears over it than I have anything or anyone else in my lifetime. Each time, he is obviously upset over my tears, and each time he “promises” to change…but he doesn’t for very long.

I thought he had really got rid of it last time. He seemed ok, he seemed to be making an effort. But I was wrong. I trusted him – and he betrayed me.

I never thought I was that ugly, that I was undesirable, but I guess I must be – all he wants to look at is women who don’t look anything like me. He says he likes small chests, but that’s not what I see him looking at. He says he likes my figure, but the women he looks at don’t have figures like mine. He says “I married you, didn’t I?”. Yeah, he married me…but he doesn’t want me. Not that he says that, but that’s the message I get loud and clear: I’m just useful when he can’t have porn. I’m boring, imperfect, not good enough. The women he sees in movies and pictures are all much more beautiful than me with their perfect bodies. They do things I detest. They’re horrid, vile people, and I hate them all…but they look and act so perfect. I used to think if I looked more like them, maybe he’d like me instead. But now I’m not so sure. I’ve tried the skimpy underwear, I’ve tried being more adventurous in bed, I’ve tried positions that would make a yoga instructor wince – but he still doesn’t want me. Maybe if I get a boob job and liposuction…but I’m scared to do that, because what if he still doesn’t want me? Then I’ll know it’s really “just me” that’s all wrong, that I really am just a worthless person in his eyes. He says he loves me, but how do I believe that?

I found out this time because I had to use his computer: ignorance may have been bliss. But I saw some of the stuff that he’d saved: saved – all since I thought he had made an effort to get rid of it. And the urls that flashed up while I was typing in the website address I wanted to go to didn’t look very tame either. So I checked his internet history – and things looked pretty much the same as they always did before he cleared his bookmarks (which are back again too) and “made an effort” – what gives?! Was this a one-off slip I was seeing the results of? Didn’t look like it. So, he was lying to me when he said he was making an effort. He’s getting more into it. Perhaps he did try for a while, but not any more. Is his relationship with the images (and people?!?!?!) online more important to him than his relationship with his wife and family in reality? Is there any point in me going on (and on!)? Does he even care about my feelings in this affair? Or is it all about his affairs with porn? This behaviour is completely incongruous with the man I thought I knew.

When I confronted him it all got turned around and it seemed like I was the one with the problem. This always happens: I was snooping; it wasn’t as bad as it looked; I should remember that all guys need stuff like this and that most women are ok with it – it’s about giving him variety; making sure we don’t stagnate; a “non-affair” way of making sure that he gets enough physical release to not need an affair. He has a high libido; I don’t understand his needs. He needs the variety; the visual stimulation; the excitement. And anyway, the saved folder was open because he was going to delete it because I made such a fuss last time, but he forgot it was there; plus he didn’t even look at most of those web pages…

It’s not FAIR! Why do I end up feeling doubly bad after talking to him? Why is there no one I can talk to about this?

He said he went back to it the last time because he was angry at me.
He was angry at me.
I was tired of fighting over being hurt by his porn use, and wasn’t handling being frustrated myself – I have needs too, but it’s not like I can express them with THAT as competition – so I got angry at him for something stupid and unrelated. Ok, so I didn’t deal with my anger well, and if it’s any consolation I felt awful about it for a long time afterwards. But no, on second thoughts I don’t think he does deserve any consolation, because there is nothing he could do to make me angry enough to do something to hurt him as much as that – even if I DID think he would never find out! His use of porn makes me angrier than I ever thought possible. But have I sworn at him, have I physically lashed out at him, have I broken his computer, have I done anything to deliberately hurt him in return, have I stormed out and demanded he give up “or else”, have I given him a “porn or me” ultimatum - yet? No! So what gives him the right to hurt me and our relationship like that?

Well, I have done I guess, by taking it. However, no more…I will not, I CAN not, take this any more.
How do I keep us going? How do I get him to see what he’s doing to us? I love him so much…but I don’t want to live like this.

On the one hand there’s this great guy who I fell in love with all those years ago and loved more each day since then – he’s loving, gentle, kind, respectful, faithful, truthful, sensitive, honourable, compassionate, spiritual, intelligent, honouring…the list goes on. I love him so much, I KNOW he’s a good person. I don’t want to lose that person. How can I not love and trust this man? He is a good man, I’m sure of it.

But on the other hand there’s this guy who is controlled by his body to the point where he regularly masturbates over pictures and movies of other people in explicit and demeaning situations – he doesn’t seem to want or even try to control his urges! He’ll use porn in preference to getting intimate with me…and he doesn’t see anything wrong with this! How can I love and trust this man? Is he addicted, is that why porn controls him like it does?

It seems he can’t wait for me to go out of the house, can’t wait for some time alone with his computer. He avoids family stuff because he’s “too tired” or “has a lot of work to do”…so I will be killing myself to look after our family, our house, our relationship and he will be using the time I’m spending on him and others to look at porn. We’ll make dates to have time together…but he’s usually too “tired and stressed”. But I know he’d have been looking at porn all afternoon while I was working, instead of getting work done himself to be free for our date.

I know all this because now I’m this miserable, lonely, paranoid person, who checks his internet history every chance I get. I’m jealous, controlling, emotional, suspicious. I hate to leave him alone to go shopping or go to bed early or watch tv without him. I can’t even take a shower in peace without knowing what he’ll be looking at as long as he can hear the water running. Even when I don’t check his computer, I still KNOW when he’s been looking: he acts differently, he looks different, he just seems…different. He pushes me away emotionally, puts barriers up, won’t talk to me.

Who can I turn to? I can’t tell my friends, my family – they might judge him for being a pervert and I don’t want to give him that label…or maybe they’d judge me, for being a prude!

I feel like an uptight freak, alone in the world.

My world is crumbling, and I am lost.
I am confused, I am in pain.
I love him, I hate this.

What will it take for me to be all he needs?

I don’t know how to cope with this any more. I’m completely in the dark. I feel numb and broken, and I don’t know how to feel right again. I can’t sleep, I can’t relax – I’ve been awake for days now. I want to lash out physically, emotionally and mentally and hurt him so badly. I simply cannot even begin to fathom how to reconcile the different parts of him with the different parts of me any more. I don’t know how to go on.

I don’t want to back out of our relationship. I made a vow, and I want to stick to it no matter what. But he has broken his vow. Our marriage is built on a lie. Do I really know this man? His reliance on porn is tearing me apart, breaking my heart and shattering my world. I feel like I hate him sometimes…and in doing so I am hating myself, killing myself with my anger, because he is a part of me. Why am I in this position? I want to scream “it’s not fair” and make him give a damn – but there’s no point, he doesn’t listen. I feel like I’m drowning in my misery. I can’t live like this. Surely there is a way through this?

He is a husband, a father, a lover, a friend. Why will he not step into these roles and leave the porn that threatens them…does he really not want to be part of this family unit?! I am his wife, wanting to restore fidelity and respect for the sanctity of our marriage, willing to do almost anything to help him…and yet he doesn’t seem interested in me or our relationship.

Do I give him one more chance before I leave? Before I go insane?

I love him. I hate this. I am becoming numb.
I have no one to talk to, I have nothing left in me to give.
I hate who I have become. I cannot continue to live like this.
What do I do now?
Where do I turn?

The source of the problem, the internet…maybe there is help here as well?